The dark side of parenting

There is something out there, in mothering, that nobody tells you about.  It doesn't matter what age your kids are, it can attack at any time and will for sure return in your days of being a parent...which is forever.  It reaches out, steals your day and ruins everything.  It doesn't matter where you are in your life, it will return and make you question everything you decide.  Today was that day.
Its a dark corner of depression that I believe most parents are struck with.  Now, I'm not talking about post partum depression or baby blues, empty nest, or any of those long term titles they give to depression.  This is the part of parenting that strikes you when you have are at your wits end with changing laundry, sweeping the floor, making meals, changing diapers, potty training, and dealing with demanding little kids.  I question every decision I have ever made as a parent, look around and realize that almost everything I own has been broken, written on, stained, chipped, cracked or otherwise tarnished with kids.  Its when I work all day cleaning really hard and then turn around and wonder if there is an inkling of domestic progress left in the chaos of children.  I wonder if I made the right decision to even have children....
Yes, I even get that dark sometimes.  I sit and wonder what if I never had children?  Would I be sitting on a beach, would I be going on fancy vacations, staying out late, sleeping in, and marveling at how wonderfully clean my house is?  I dream about this as I scrub toilets, clean up the 100th spill of the day, yell at my kids to help me for the 5000th time, and trip over toys that are scattered in an obstacle course throughout my house. A lot of times, I break down and cry and scream that I can't do it, I can't do another second of unloading and reloading the dishwasher, cooking another meal that nobody will like, washing a load of laundry because someone is out of shorts/socks/underwear, and wiping a tiny butt, again.  I, obviously, never want my children to see me like this, but usually they are around when it happens.  I worry about how I am affecting them permanently to let them see me break down and cry and lose my last remaining piece of composure. This, this is the dark side of parenting that you will never find in a book, magazine or forum.  Nobody wants to admit this happens to them, but I believe it happens to us all.  And maybe, if our kids see it, they will realize how hard this parenting gig really is.

If I could keep you little

Just a few days ago, I read the board book If I Could Keep You Little to my girls.  For those of you who haven't read it, its a heartwarming book about the things that parents do for their children when they are small, but also shows how parents enjoy the milestones when their children do these things on their own...with their own flair.  While I pine for the days when my kids are a little more independent and not requiring me to feed, bathe and change their diapers, it also makes me a little sad that one day, they will be grown up.   While I'm sad at the point of them growing up and not being my babies anymore, I grieve a little that I know what awaits them.

I know that little kids are going to make them feel like they are "boyfriend/girlfriend" with a boy, just because they play with him.  I know that someday, their bodies will grow and change in ways that, even though they have been educated, feel completely foreign to them.  I know that someday, some girl or boy will poke fun at them for being too skinny, not skinny enough, too curly of hair, too long of eyelashes, or some other way they depart from what's fashionable that year.  I know that someday, some boy is going to come along, sweep them off their feet, then break their heart.  I know that someday, some conniving girl or boy will try to destroy their reputation, all out of jealousy sake.  I know that the in crowd will someday exclude them and its like no other piercing pain they have felt.  I know that someday they will be bypassed for some award that they truly deserve, just because they aren't popular enough.   I know that one day, a boy will try to pressure them into doing things they are just not ready for.  Even though I know all these things, I just have to sit on the sidelines of their lives and let them play out.  I am really only a coach in their life, someone to guide them through these scenarios, listen to their issues, and let them make their own decisions ultimately.  

If I could keep you little, girls, there are thousands of things that I would protect you from.  A thousand times of feeling inadequate, like you don't fit in, aren't good enough, or just because you are different from every other girl.  But, while I would love to shield you from all these times, I know that coming through these moments, you will feel braver, stronger and wiser.  If there are a thousand times of feeling sad, there will be a million moments of happiness.  You will fall in love with someone who was worth all the broken hearts, you will learn more than I could ever imagine, you will maybe someday hold your baby and realize complete love.
As the book reads: if I could keep you little, I'd keep you close to me.  But then I'd miss you growing into who you're meant to be!